Lately, with so many difficult things to think about, tiredness has set in and made me want a break. Something small (休憩）won’t do it. I need some length of stay. Some staying power. Some gumption. Some gut.
My mood is poor, ability to try gone, and I’m sad. Because of all this. And more.
Chances lost to wind and burned to ash.
Will I ever learn anything? Can I be taught? Can I grow into something strong?
I’m trying but it feels like infinite repeat. The same cycle, unbroken, over and over a hundred times until the autumn becomes winter and death comes on quick. Like getting hit by a car. The last thing you ever expect and it happens just…like…that.
Another lie to the wind. Another hairline fracture in my heart. Another broken bone.
One day, I’ll rise above the rain and the wind, but not tonight.
Come the beginning of this new winter, and I think I will be in the old arms of my abandoned home. Have those arms grown strong in my being gone? I hope so.
I have no way to find out. But I’ll go ahead and think it anyway.
「About a year ago」
“[I live] a life of rejection instead of abandon. A sense that in all “good” things and all close friends, there is always a line drawn that you had better not cross. But the lines are drawn in fuzzy logic, and you don’t get to know why they exist or how to best avoid tripping over them.
Illness of all kins casts its long, dark shadow over the potential landscape of your life. And the very thing you fear the most will happen over and over again.
A life of poor luck and bad karma. Maybe in a past life you squandered all you got and these stinging rejections are the universe balancing out. Perhaps, all this pain in place of death is a making up for deaths on end. Perhaps in your other live, there will be love in its stead.”
Approaching the circumvention of a year and considering how I felt when I left places I no longer fit in for a place I did not know. Now, I know this place and long to return to the ones I left. The question is now: what will I be met with upon return?
Home, have you changed? Will you accept the me that has?