休みの日 [Holiday]

I am in a bad way.

My confidence level is zero. I have dragged myself around familiar spots all day and there is no relief. I wander unfamiliar streets in the cool breeze – no change. I break through my barriers and speak in unfamiliar words, giving life back to trapped tadpoles, giving boxes to unknown strangers. And yet? No light breaks on the darkness of my mood. No warmth in the frozen land of my heart.

Listen to the wind for maybe it has something new to say?

I tilt my ear in the direction of a gust and, looking up, see the moon is not quite full. “Not yet,” something seems to say. Not yet.

I am uncertain how much longer I can wait for change. I think this life might break me up into dust before I can glow all the way through. A trapped fire in a hearth that’s been closed against a horrid storm. There may not be enough fuel to make the water resting on top boil. No tea for two, three, four. No steaming food for you. Only wasted energy and a mess.

I have the same problems in Nihongo, but I articulate them like a bratty child. Here is a sample:

毎日私は長い時間日本語で考える。日本語の文章はとても難しいから。でも、毎日、同じ文を作って、同じ言葉を使って、同じ気持ちを持っといる。新しい言葉は早く忘れるから。新しい文章も。たくさん勉強しても、少し覚える。書き方はだんだん上手になるけど、話し方がせんせん違うよ。どうやって話し方が上手になる?

いつも俺は頑張っても、分からない。

たぶん日本語の本を読んで、毎日会話を聞いく。それから、上手になると思う。ても、チアンスは。。。ないと思う。

残念だ。しょうがない。

It is no longer fun or interesting. I think my heart is going to explode. I can’t breathe. I can’t move. Someone reach out a hand…god, please. I am going to drown.

So this is what “homesick” is? Welp, I have no medicine against it. Is it lethal, do you think?

へっ!何?もちろん?!(-_-)/~~~あああ。。。しょうがないよ。

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s