I am in a bad way.
My confidence level is zero. I have dragged myself around familiar spots all day and there is no relief. I wander unfamiliar streets in the cool breeze – no change. I break through my barriers and speak in unfamiliar words, giving life back to trapped tadpoles, giving boxes to unknown strangers. And yet? No light breaks on the darkness of my mood. No warmth in the frozen land of my heart.
Listen to the wind for maybe it has something new to say?
I tilt my ear in the direction of a gust and, looking up, see the moon is not quite full. “Not yet,” something seems to say. Not yet.
I am uncertain how much longer I can wait for change. I think this life might break me up into dust before I can glow all the way through. A trapped fire in a hearth that’s been closed against a horrid storm. There may not be enough fuel to make the water resting on top boil. No tea for two, three, four. No steaming food for you. Only wasted energy and a mess.
I have the same problems in Nihongo, but I articulate them like a bratty child. Here is a sample:
It is no longer fun or interesting. I think my heart is going to explode. I can’t breathe. I can’t move. Someone reach out a hand…god, please. I am going to drown.
So this is what “homesick” is? Welp, I have no medicine against it. Is it lethal, do you think?