It has been a long time. It feels longer than 月 tells you it is. Longer than a month? Ah, but you misread that because month is the same kanji for moon. So at once, I mean both.
W-w-wait. Am I speaking Hapapor?
It would seem so. I am at least beginning, not to speak 日本語 well (That will take a lifetime.), but to grow in knowledge. 少し解った。I understand some. Better than zero. 今これは零よりいいです。And what is happening with that knowledge is exactly what I hoped for. I am learning things I need to create the world I want. Here is an example:
私は色々なものを見ます。I am looking at many things.
But, what. What’s that kanji you used for looking?
見る is the kanji for Miru. Miru is the conjugated dictionary form of the verb to look. It is also the casual (impolite) present-tense form. (I believe it might also be the future tense?) 見て
見 can also mean an idea. Chances. To look at. Hopes. Opinions. And 見る見る = very fast, in a twinkle of the eye, before one’s eyes. How fitting to have named a hopeful character in a dystopic future that.
These types of revelations — small moments where big ideas crash together — happen all the time now. Life is a complex, interlacing mystery I must approach with open arms and bared chest. The confusion often goes right through me. A cold knife or a sharp wind. Every syllable off every lip is a new complicated depth I have to sound.
But then, every once in a while, a light shines and I catch a phrase. I think, “I could compliment those flowers…” And then I think, “Wait, I actually could.” And the truth itself is a vast accomplishment. Then, you come in the room and I offer you cake without looks of confusion. And we play games and I shamble through the space with what few expressions I have. But we smile and laugh together. I dance, intoxicated, in the gaps gaping between us. And I am not cast out.
Confusion and silence may be my constant companions, but understanding is a momentary mandatory mentor briefly by my side. A whisper here. A gesture there.
The world is, sliver by sliver, being revealed to me. Often, without any effort on my part, a glimmering glow will come up from below and in the darkness, there is a glint of bright colors. Elegant shapes of oral I had no idea was there at all. The darkness is gaining realness around me.
I feel as though a star is being born inside of me. I don’t know how hot it will glow or how long it will last before it goes super nova and becomes a black hole. I only know that it is forming, slowly gathering gravity, and that it’s existence will change the shape of things.
What a wonderful, confounding suspension to exist in.