I’m sucked in way deep.
Up to my knees in addiction concrete. I’m muthafucking losing sleep. It’s pathetic, and there’s nothing will come of it. You might as well be a god, and I don’t believe in putting weight in the follow-through of deities. I can jive with spirits, but all the god-as-man bullshit can go straight to the hell it invented for itself.
Problem is, I’ve latched on nice and neat. The concept of “worship”, I now see, is sweet, easy, cheap. I won’t get burned by you because you don’t exist. I can put my hand through the place where you ought to be and it’s air, all the way down.
So what difference does a little pathetic worship make if it keeps my heart out of the gutter for a couple passes?
Well. It would be a simple answer if it worked.
I’m much too much the activist to sit on my ass and wait for mountains to move I know damn well are rooted to the core of the earth. I’m much more likely to dance off a ledge and trust the wind will carry me into the sky. Both are equally likely, but in one I get to move — and the other, I risk nothing.
I can’t stand that.
In either case, it’s a total brain wash. Three degrees of separation might as well be three degrees of faulty navigation in the middle of the goddamn ocean. I’d say I’m over all this claptrap, but that’s a see-through lie. Sweet, easy, cheap.
All I can do is slowly chip away at these delusions and realize neither situation has a “higher likelihood of being true”. The likelihood of one with no chance cannot be more likely than the other with no chance.
I’d be much better off burning energy honing down what I’ve got until it equals what I want, and then work my fucking ass off to get it out there in any way possible. Can’t do anything until I have the work done.
Focus, focus, focus.
I need to fuck up less now, not more.