SSBJ 2014

It was something I had to go through, not necessarily something I enjoyed. The results were an ebb and flow of feelings I did not expect. Words crashed against shores I did not know I had in me. And waves rose against tides I did not know would recede.

Here are those things. Incomplete pieces rambled straight from a hum to the page in an over-hot tent, alone but for a drum.

I have fears now,
confirmed doubts.
Things I only dreamed about.
Ways I could reach you
that’ll never do.

I was trying to be
a way I thought was good.
It wasn’t good enough.
(and) I was working on
plans to get us through.

You shot it full of holes.
Now I’m leaking water
and I’m losing blood.
And oh dear god,
someone help me out.

But hush now, you.
It’s getting late.
No one likes you when you shout
about things you can’t figure out
cry out loud
double over and roll about.

We always tear our ears away
and turn our eyes away
and put our back’s to other’s pain.
Like if we can’t hear
and if we can’t see
and let’s pretend this time so mayber
It’ll go away.

But broken hearts and lonely bodies
end up in ditches all around us
Hole in the chest
or slit by the wrist
or hanging, swinging from a neck.

We get together and say
“What a tragedy.”
“Oh, if only he’d known.
Oh, if only she’d known.
Oh, if only they’d known.”

But no-one knows a love
that stays hidden under sheets
tucked down so deep
crammed into wells and pockets
hands and darkness stuffed down on top of it
hiding from what it might’ve been.

And no-one sees a light
tossed under a blanket
tight knit wool so colorful and bright
it tricks the sharpest eyes.
So, please.
Use it to cover your senses
cover this scene,
and all the places you’re insecure about.
Then, when you’re done: tell me,
how does the love get out?

Oh if only she’d known.
If only he’d known.
If only you knew.

Some hearts are empty jars,
where the collective hurt fills up.
Fill them to the brim.
Hands try to reach out,
to tip a bit out,
but no-one wants to get wet
or messy
or share the weight of it.

Too heavy.
Too weighty.
Too steep, they say.
And in the morning, someone new is drowned in alcohol.
Purple, bloating, floating in the river.
Bloody matted mess, hit by a train.
Shot in the head, brains on the wall.
And oh well.
Oh well.

The world is a wheel
and it keeps on spinning.
And if you can’t hold on —
well, you get my meaning.

Don’t cry about tragedies
you did nothing to prevent.
“Isn’t it too bad”
like now, you’re so sad.

Maybe this is hard to hear,
but go ahead and listen if you dare.
Moments we walk by,
pass by,
let slip by without turning
or thinking
get lost like breath in the winter
drifting off into nowhere
Things get missed
and hearts get lost
and it’s got consequences.
Not because of some far-off god.

But because the world’s a wheel.
And it just keeps on spinning.
And when you can’t hold on…
well, you get my meaning.

Maybe at some point
people might’ve done some good.
But these days it isn’t living instinct
that gets humanity by.
It’s: eat your own for dinner,
then sleep with a belly full.
Wak up midday,
and wonder where your friends all went.
Then cry about the isolation,
get up,
and do it all again.

All the while feeling
like somthing isn’t right.
Like something’s gone missing.
Something you miss-placed, but you don’t know where
because you don’t know what
because you never had it.
So you look crazy
and act insane
and people now keep their distances
and maybe that’s not all that bad.

Because loneliness and isolate
aren’t the best companions,
but at least these friends
don’t set a table
and eat you for dinner,
crying all the time.

“How sad. How sorry
we are to do this to you.
You lost the lottery.
What are we to do?
That’s just too bad.
How sad.”

It’s a bad world.
No, it’s a dead world moving forward.
No more “hope” to cling to
hope in our own destruction.
We keep forging forward.
Keep making things worse.

So lift a glass
full of poisoned water
and toast to no-one
(be)cause everything is gone.
Pick up a factory-made fork & knife
and eat your love tonight.
Or eat the air
and starve it out
and wait it out
and wait it out
and wait it out

We’ll just have to see who wins.


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