Physiological (dis)advantage

These words are as good as any at explaining:

I was looking for something I know, like Carbon, I will never get. A drug that makes the pain less apparent, the hurt just hurt less. Something to take edge off. It’s easy if your body’s the one complaining, but I’ve got this broken spirit in my bones that doesn’t know how to go numb.

I’m nervous and wasted, and I’m not making any progress.
But then, nobody is.

An empty circle where 9 multiplied adds up to 4, and suffering lends itself entirely to death.
A hollow cycle with bone and long dead dried flesh tied with copper strands to my heart. And these stories of ghosts tied to my soul. And this spirit that, for all intents and meaning, just doesn’t exist.

I trusted the wind and it blew me here.
I ought to redefine the things I love or hate, but I don’t know how.
I ought to define the fights I fight, but no-one’s listening on the inside, anyway. So, what’s the point? Just to point out the weak spots in the corners of the walls where the sound leaks in and the cold seeps out and in the winter, will we be warm?

The cold and grey outside is hotter here than you’d think. But soon. Come November and the rain will be coming down in sheets. Rivers flowing in frozen archs down States streets. And the days are getting shorter, with the dawn easier than ever to catch when you wake up from nightmares in the middle of the night. Terrors that grip you and grab you are the return to the teasing spirits. Those haunts coming back to haunt you and help you get through the long winter’s night.

Am I making any sense?

Oh, how this drug is intoxicating, even when I’m not on it.
This darkness is excessively truncating, even when I manage to avoid it.
And the sensation of being wide awake is–
Wait. Am I awake right now?

Carbon, Kopia, minha doce, are you listening? Am I fizzing and releasing myself into the air? Two more breaths and a branch or leaf will take me in. God, I’d rather be a part of it all than here, alone.

Obem ikedo.

I can alter my state if I medidate on the things I both love and hate.
I’ll try when I’m awake… tomorrow.


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