A snapshot of reality possessed me. Even if only for a brief blinking moment, it was enough. I was completely thrown, disoriented, lost. I forgot, let my collectedness slip, and fell headlong into the illusions of a half-lit, half-captured reality. And in doing so, tricked no-one but myself.
In this post haze hang-over, I think my memory came back.
Like a flick of light in darkness, a flash of bright white right before it’s right back to being blind. In that subsequent blinding, I remembered everything.
I have been apart from my heart for some time now.
I set my mind far from the old names, and my fingers far from the familiar strings. I shut my mouth against the melodies and harmonies I had grown into. I led myself far from the sounds, words, images, and metaphors that pulled at the deepest roots, the brightest seeds dug down far inside of me.
Apparently I like to pretend, from time to time, to be as crazy as the in-lyers and the self-lyers all say. I play along because I think I’ll come out okay. It never goes. It gets old. I get tired and slow. Eventually, I’m back with my back laid down against tracks, pressed down hard so I feel the inevitable end coming on.
When the train does come, I’m the only one to blame for the damage done.
I do so much damage here in such a small, confined and careful space.
I struggle, non-stop, with how much hurt is enough.
I have left the confines of this prison superimposed on me by others’ versions of reality.
I will not go back.
I will not cry.
And if fear is parallel to love, I know the road I want to walk.
Comfort comes in the balance, hangs on the weights of logic, straight and honest.
Morality is an illusion liars and leavers and the fearful like to play.
Black and white are only ever gradients of grey.
Light shines in the entire spectrum, breaks into rainbows when teased apart.
One only ever pretends to not see reality.
I don’t know how to play along.
I may be a single drop, but I am also the sea.
So when I slip and when I fall and when I allow the darkness residence where it does not belong — I condemn no-one but myself. And then, I remind myself to be strong.