Help me

I have to process what I have done.

You let me violate you.
You let me desecrate you.
You let me penetrate you.
You let me complicate you.

Help me, I broke apart my insides.
Help me, I got no soul to tell.
Help me, the only thing that works for me:
Help me get away from myself.
Help me think I’m somebody else.

I want to fuck you like an animal.
I want to feel you from the inside.
I want to fuck you like an animal.
My whole existence is flawed.
You get me closer to god.

What if I wanted to break, laugh it all off in your face?
What would you do?
What if I fell to the floor, couldn’t take this anymore?
What would you do?
Come, break me down.
Bury me.
I am finished with this.

What if I wanted to break?
Bury me.

Your defenses were high.
Your walls built deep inside.
I’m a selfish bastard, but at least I’m not alone.
My intentions never changed. What I want just stayed the same.
And I know what I should do.
It’s time to set myself on fire.

Was it a dream?
Is this the only evidence that proves it?
This photograph of you and I?
Believe me when I say goodbye forever.

With the lights out, it’s never less dangerous.
Even with a stranger, it never gets painless.
Don’t be afraid.
Every time, I think I’m gonna change it –
it’s driving me insane.

Maybe tonight we can forget about love.
It could be just like heaven.
I am a machine: no longer living, just a shell of what I choose.
Do you live, do you die, do you bleed for a fantasy?
Automatic, I imagine I believe.
In your mind do you see? It’s a fantasy.

Sit back, matter of fact:
teasing, toying, turning, chatting, charming, hissing,
Playing the crowd.
Play that song again.
Another couple Klonopin, a nod, a glance, a half-hearted bow.
Oh such grace, oh such beauty
And lipstick and callous
And fishnets and mallice
Oh darling-
You’re a million ways to be cruel.

I should…
I wish I could…
Maybe if you were, I would…
List of standard issue regrets.
One last 80 proof, slouching in the corner booth.
Baby, it’s as good as it gets.

Having spent your entire life exactly where you are tonight:
in the valley between intent and deed.
You must have masterd this: the fragile art of a good excuse.
The little things that get you to believe.
They get you to believe it.

So listen, I’m not trying to prove anything at all.
But don’t you think that, maybe, this time, you were wrong?

You’ve spent your entire life quick tongued and always right.
But hasn’t being right just let you down?
Right just let you down?
So listen, I’m not trying to say anything at all here.
There isn’t much left, anyway, that hasn’t been said.
But don’t you think that, possibly, this time, it’s different?
Dont’ you think that, maybe, this time, you were wrong?

Ice age upon catastriophic ice-age of selection
And only one result has trickled in:
The house wins.
The house always wins.

If evil were a lesser breed, then justice after all these years:
the righteous would have freed the world of sin.
The house wins.
The house always wins.

You don’t have to be alone to be lonely.
You don’t have to be sick to be dying.
You don’t have to be lost to be lost.
You might as well give in.

I am losing ground.
Well, you know all this work can beat you down.
I am made of clay.
I feel I’m the only one who thinks this way.

I do not want this.

Don’t you tell me how I feel.
You don’t know just how I feel.

I stay inside my bed.
I have so many things all inside my head.
Don’t tell me that you care.
There isn’t really anything, now is there?

I do not want this.

I hurt myself today to see if I still feel.
I focus on the pain, the only thing that’s real.
The needle tears a hole, the old familiar sting.
I tried to kill it all away.
But, I remember everything.

What have I become?
My sweetest friend: everyone I know goes away in the end.
You could have it all – my empire of dirt.
I will let you down.
I will make you hurt.

I wear this crown of shit upon my liar’s chair.
Full of broken thoughts I could not repair.
Beneath the stains of time, the feelings disappear.
You are someone else. I am still right here.

What have I become?
If I could start again, a million miles away:
I would keep myself.

{Oyasuminasai Mokutan}
=Good night, Charcoal=

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