Unarmed

Something broke. Like a floodgate to the things I didn’t want to believe or a dam that was holding all those revelations back. Maybe it was a fortress that I’d surrounded myself in – for years. A cleverly constructed false front to the buildings that had been built by other people whose ways of life I just simply didn’t agree with anymore.

Maybe it was an alter I’d set myself alight on.

Whatever it was, it’s gone now. The trust and the hope and the clinging desperately to it for just one more moment to prove that it was true, that it was going to work, that the problems and the flaws and the cracks in it weren’t ever really going to break it, weren’t ever really going to make it unstable, unsafe, useless. Were they?

And, here we are.

Secret worlds and secret lives and secret plans with secret outcomes were always my way. Were always the only thing that got me through. Late night decisions and changes in direction like the wind. Never a warning, never a second-thought. Had I forgotten? Or, did I just think I’d found my Skai? My Fenugreek? My Protectorate? The ones you tell all your secret plans to. The ones you trust because without them the world you were working in doesn’t exist.

Did I forget that you have to build that? And that if you don’t build it well enough, it will break?
Nothing creates itself. Nothing is without an ecosystem that sustains it. Nothing is alone.

I don’t have to fear the void because there is none. Waiting out beyond this is a world I just haven’t found yet. A life I just haven’t thought to live yet. An ecosystem I just hadn’t seen yet.

Tonight, I think I caught a glimpse of the doorway into it.
I have no idea where it leads. But then, I never have.
I’ve always just opened the door and hoped that whatever was on the other side was worth having. Thus far, it always has been. For it’s time.

The biggest thing I forgot is that everything has its time.
And the time for a new door has come.

So, that’s all that broke. My forgetfullness. The illusion surrounding this path I’d been down for this while. This life that I’ve been living for now. The memory that a cycle is never complete until you come back around to the beginning of it. And, in this existence – you always will.

So, here’s to coming back around.
And coming there without the fear of the befores that I’ve been here before.
Not without the saddness I’ve been bred and trained to have. Not without the recognition innate within me to feel some sort of loss – of something. And yet, with a renewed sense of realisation that that emotion is not final.

Just one more moment to come back around to.
Just another moment to move through.
Just another piece of the cycle that I’ve always been on.

So, here’s to the new secret. The new plan. The new cycle, but the same stage.
Welcome to the Spring.

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